this is 25

on starting my 26th year

a little less than a month ago i turned 25. i dread every birthday in the weeks prior, but this one felt even more harrowing than usual; two thoughts kept going through my head:

• my prefrontal cortex is done growing

• about a quarter of my life has passed

in the past, i worked closely with children, which made me realize how little control a child has over anything in their life. virtually everything for a child depends on the adults around them, and those adults often let them down. i’ve now witnessed this firsthand from both sides.

in turn, that made me reflect on how much of my own life was decided for me before i had any power to decide it for myself, and what the consequences of those decisions are, that now i as an adult am solely responsible for.

still, one thing i do have which past me didn’t is perspective. no one likes a complainer and life is unfair to most everyone, yet i am able to hold myself and others to the same standard - your circumstances can be unfair, yet it is your responsibility to make the best of them as an adult. two things can be true at once.

my values haven’t changed much over the years. i knew with conviction at 11 that i was a feminist, that our planet should be protected before it is destroyed for good, that everyone should be treated equally regardless of where they’re from, the color of their skin, their sexuality or the opportunities they’ve been afforded in life. i loved art and music and reading books and writing with my entire soul and at 25 i still have those exact same values.

yet, again perspective comes into play. teen me couldn’t understand how anyone could have different values. she wanted to convince people, wanted to change them “for the better”. perhaps she thought her values needed validation. if they weren’t mainstream, maybe that meant they were incorrect? she passionately “educated” people in bigoted comment sections, and battled it out with family at the dinner table. she tied her worth to how many people’s minds she could change, and especially if she could change her family’s minds. if they loved me enough they would see things from my point of view, they would at least entertain my opinions. but that never did happen, and so she believed they must not love her “enough”.

at 25, two things can be true at once. my values have never changed, and though i’ve faltered (i am only human) my conviction in those values is just as strong if not even stronger now. but, i don’t feel the need to convince anyone of anything anymore. i don’t have the time or energy to argue, and i limit who has access to me emotionally to people who have the same values. i am able to protect myself psychologically, and that in turn has stabilized my self worth - it no longer depends on anything outside of myself - i have inherent worth because i know who i am and i believe who i am is good.

people can like me or even love me but they can only meet me where they’re at in terms of emotional maturity, respect, or critical thought. just as it is my responsibility to educate myself and elevate myself out of my own circumstances, so it is theirs. and if we aren’t compatible we can’t be friends. i can love someone, and not find them likable.

funnily enough at 18 and 20 and 22 i found myself having lots of regrets, yet at 25 i have none. i’ve forgiven all those past versions of myself, and i no longer see those mistakes as “mistakes”, i see them as experiences, as lessons. it’s not that i stopped messing up and doing the wrong thing, it’s just that i can move on without wasting time and energy on wishing i hadn’t. i’ve given up on perfectionism and realized the nature of life is chaotic.

i don’t overthink how i’m perceived, either. i no longer stay up at night wondering whether something i said or the way i acted at a party in front of strangers was weird or cringe, or what kind of vibes my outfit conveyed. i dress up if i want to, and don’t if i don’t have the capacity to. i say what i think and instead of regretting i take responsibility, i own up to things and i try to do better next time. and i know now that that is all i or anyone can do, so i hold other human beings to the same standards. i believe people deserve second chances, and don’t judge anyone solely on first impressions.

when i was 19 i started therapy. it was a choice i made for myself, one that people in my life at the time were actually quite against. i still think it was a brilliant and quite mature decision for a 19 year old. at 20 i was diagnosed with cyclothymic disorder, which in very simple terms is like a milder form of bipolar disorder. it meant i went through “patches” of depression, which interchanged with patches of feeling good, but neither was strong enough to make me suicidal, or push me to engage in dangerous behaviors the way bipolar disorder might. i just got very depressed for periods of time, then would feel better for a bit, then go back to being depressed. the depressive “episodes” typically last longer, and they did for me. it felt good to finally have a name for what i was going through, and to realize that this was something other people struggled with, at the time. it also felt incredibly validating to be told that i didn’t make this up - the combination of the hormones in my brain and body releasing in their own unique way with the trauma i’ve experienced up to now has lead to this diagnosis. it was real, it was a thing that happened, and there was medical research to prove it.

i stayed in therapy for two more years, but chose to end it eventually. i could feel that though the episodes were still there, i’d gotten much better at managing them and managing my anxiety. i didn’t feel guilty for being depressed. i knew when i needed work vs when i needed rest. when i needed social time vs when i needed alone time. i felt confident enough to “graduate” myself from therapy, and my therapist agreed. she let me go with a light heart, and congratulated me on my progress.

nowadays, though the depression and melancholy haven’t fully left me, i don’t think they ever will and i no longer expect them to or wish they would. i don’t feel happy all the time, but most of the time i feel okay, and that’s much better than where i was even 5 years ago. i don’t think anyone is happy all the time, or never depressed, and i’m okay with being OK 80% of the time.

so maybe turning 25 is actually not as frightening as I thought. i’m starting my 26th year strong, grounded and ready for anything. i’m done letting anyone else influence what i think of myself, or what i think of as good or bad or worthy. there are many things i want to try in this life and i’m looking forward to all of it. if i decide to turn my life upside down one day, no one can stop me. and whatever life throws at me, i’m pretty confident i can take it.

i love people, but i also love myself now and that makes all the difference.

i love you all, thank you for reading all the way through, and until next time

- xoxo, sab.